Imperfect Duality
by GoldenGait
Summary: Maya and Sylar reflect after 2x11 Powerless.
1. Chapter 1

"Imperfect Duality"

By GoldenGait

Disclaimer: I do not own Maya, Gabriel, Heroes, or the English language.

Author's Note: I hate song fics. So this isn't one. You will find no reprinted lyrics here. That said, this fic _was_ inspired by a great song by Matthew Good called "Weapon." Go find it and give it a listen. Highly recommended.

This little reflection piece picks up at the end of Volume Two, after 2x11 Powerless.

Part 1

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I've been traveling with him by my side for weeks and I never knew who he really was. Gabriel, the angel, my _guardian_ angel, the man who helped me into this country, the only person who ever saw what I could do and wasn't scared. Was not disgusted. _Did not think I was_ _evil_. Even my own brother was frightened of me.

Maybe he measured me on his scale. How many people has he killed? More than I have? Certainly more_ intentionally_. Compared to his résumé mine is probably pitifully benign. I'm not sure whether that is a comfort or not. I'm not quite as evil as my travel companion is. Does God grade on a curve?

He was so sweet, so gentle, so caring. Was it an act? The way he would touch my hair or brush my hand… He never seemed like a killer. I was shocked when he admitted killing his mother, but he justified his actions so earnestly… Everything he said echoed how I feel so perfectly, he knew exactly what I was going through, he knew exactly how other people treat me… Has he really been ostracized as I was, or did he tell me that to gain my trust?

I thought I had a friend, I thought I had a kindred spirit in this world of people who don't understand. No-one could possibly know how terrifying it is to be tied to a purely destructive force with no control over it. I'm hand-cuffed to the devil himself and the key to release me doesn't exist.

I never set out to be who I have become, and when Alejandro and I lifted Gabriel into the backseat of that car I never dreamed he would be such a blessing and curse at the same time. He set me on the exact path I asked of him, and yet I turned into more of a monster because of it. This path was supposed to bring me a cure, bring me salvation, and instead I have killed with perfect intent, and lost most of my faith in humanity along the way. If I hadn't met Gabriel, would I have made it to New York? Would I have even made it across the border? Would I be able to control my powers? Would I have lost my brother?

He knew I could kill him with my power. It almost happened several times… I think he actually died once before Alejandro took my hand. He was willing to risk dying in order to help me gain control of my power in the park that day. Or was it all an effort at self-preservation? Was he only trying to harness the loose cannon and make it safer for the operator who wants to wield the weapon? I'll never forget his determination, his resolve, even as he doubled over in pain. His whole body shook as I held him afterwards; his breathing was labored and he trembled for a long time. I know I hurt him, but he was willing to endure it. He knew I could control my ability, he knew if he taunted me he could help me rein in the effects. He had faith. In me. I have faith in a God I've never seen, and no faith in people. I wonder if Gabriel believes in anything beyond what will further his ambitions?

He looked so desperate as he explained what happened to his mother. I wonder if his story was the truth or just the truth as he remembers it. He seemed to believe every word as he told it, and my heart broke for him. I can't imagine having family turn on you when you need them most. I don't know whether his desperation stemmed from his desire to keep me on our path to New York or whether it came from a deep-seated need to explain himself and be forgiven for the one murder he did not intend to commit. This is only _if_ he believed what he was saying. There's no way for me to tell.

He did not kiss me like a man who meant me harm. His eyes were soft, and he held me so gently… He stroked my hair, and whispered my name. Should I have been able to tell he was evil by that kiss? Was it an act, or did he have feelings for me like I had for him?

Have?

And every time I begin to remember my feelings for him, every time I start to justify his stance, his outlook on life, I always come back to the fact that he killed my brother. It's an unavoidable detail. I don't know how it happened, or exactly when, and I'm not sure I could stand to hear the story even if it were offered to me. How do you classify the man who slaughtered your twin, the only family you have left?

Had left. I don't have him anymore. I'm beginning to hate the past tense.

If I try hard enough I can even understand why he shot me. I was ready to take out everyone in that room with my grief, everyone in the entire city block, and I don't think I could have stopped myself even if I had wanted to. And I didn't want to. Really, he saved the lives of everyone in that building.

He taught me to love and hate at the same time. I was traveling with the devil long before I ever met Gabriel, and maybe his arrival was simply the form of my personal devil embodied in a man. I shouldn't have turned my back on the devil inside me, even for an instant. I underestimated him, and he asserted himself by sending me Gabriel. I feared my power, but I did not afford it the respect the devil deserves. I'll never trust a devil again.

My world at home was bright and thick with color. Crossing the border was harsh and glaring, bright without color. Now New York is dark and thick in its own way. Nothing like the comforting thickness of home, though. This city seems to stick to my legs and I'm afraid it is dragging me down.

When I think back on the last few weeks and remember the things I've done I have trouble breathing. I feel like something is sitting on my chest, and all I want is my guardian angel holding me and telling me I am safe and that everything will be okay. I'm angry at him for lying to me, I'm angry at him for killing my brother, and I'm angry at him for running out that door and leaving me here. He succeeded in making me into a weapon, in completely replacing me with someone I don't recognize, and I'll never be the girl I was.

I might as well be with him.

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Stay tuned for Part 2, and in the meantime, please R&R, and visit my profile for a link to my webpage. Happy holidays, everyone!

GG


	2. Chapter 2

"Imperfect Duality"

By GoldenGait

Disclaimer: I do not own Maya, Gabriel, Heroes, or the English language.

Author's Note: I hate song fics. So this isn't one. You will find no reprinted lyrics here. That said, this fic _was_ inspired by a great song by Matthew Good called "Weapon." Go find it and give it a listen. Highly recommended.

This little reflection piece picks up at the end of Volume Two, after 2x11 Powerless.

Part 2

----------------------------

She traveled with me, trusted me, for weeks and never suspected I was anything other than an honorable man. When we first met she likened me to the angel Gabriel, and I let the association stand. If she wanted to believe I was sent as a guardian, as protection, I was not going to contradict her.

I hated not having abilities. Power is a drug that causes one hell of a withdrawal. When Maya and her brother found me on that highway I felt like I wasn't even myself anymore. I was hollow and painful, and why shouldn't I just quit and lie down here? I tried to escape that isolated prison they had me in, out in the middle of nowhere, but an ordinary man can only do so much. You can only push a human body so far.

When I learned of Maya and Alejandro's powers I knew it was a sign that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It meant I was destined for something greater than momentary power followed by an agonizing fall from grace. If I could just gain their trust and bide my time, my patience would be rewarded.

I don't believe in God, despite my upbringing. My mother was as devout as they come, and yet evolution and nature obviously won out when it came right down to it. God certainly was not present in my mother's apartment that night.

Maya and Alejandro's dual powers immediately intrigued me. How elegant that the destruction and repair be found in siblings. And what destruction it was. Sitting by my side in the backseat of the car, Maya was near-perfect. Her stories gave me hope for the future while simultaneously fueling my frantic desire to be powerful again. Her only flaw was her lack of commitment to her ability. Such a waste for that power to be given to someone who was loathe to use it.

Maya turned out to be extremely easy to manipulate. I didn't have to stray far from my genuine admiration of her ability and she seemed to melt in my hands. A few smiles, compliments, and a light touch now and then kept her right on track to leave her brother behind. How does such an intense ability come from such a yielding girl?

It's a pity I had to leave her behind. I truly felt a connection to her, though not as strongly as I let her believe. She seemed to understand my situation more than anyone else I have encountered so far. When she asked me about my mother's death, my chest ached to explain what had happened to someone who might understand. How do you describe the pain of seeing that much fear in your mother's eyes as she looks at you? I was furious at her brother for trying to ruin my plans, but I felt such a release as Maya stepped toward me unafraid. I felt…forgiven.

I'm not the devil people see in me, but I'm not an angel, either. Religion always provides imperfect analogies. I _set out to be_ who I became…before it was all ripped away from me. I was powerful, I felt free, and I was no longer simply the son of a watchmaker. I pity Maya because I don't believe she will ever find that kind of freedom with her power. She'll always feel guilt, and will always see herself as a monster.

Nothing could be further from the truth, though. She nearly killed me several times, but Maya is no monster. Even as I felt the screaming pain twist through me I would admire the simplicity and power of her ability. It was perfect—it was absolute. She shouldn't have put so much stock in God—she controlled the life and death of those around her at any given moment. How much more divine could she be?

I knew it was imperative that she learn to control her own power. Not only did I need to shed the baggage of her brother, but she was frankly dangerous. Without powers of my own I needed to know my new weapon wouldn't misfire. And I knew by the time we reached Virginia that she cared enough for me to push herself to a higher understanding of what she can do. I was proud of her in the park that day, and that night when she leaned in to kiss me, I knew she wouldn't turn her back on me until I gave her extreme cause to do so. Getting her the rest of the way to New York would not be a challenge. I hadn't been that physically close to anyone in a long time, and despite the worry that she might find her dead brother lying behind me, I was grateful for that moment in my doorway. A moment where the frantic pace we had been moving at could slow and give me time to breathe in.

I wonder if she'll ever know that the exact moment she kissed me came seconds after her brother's death by my hands?

I didn't want to shoot her. While everyone is basically expendable, I had a _use_ for her. At least now I know I can go back for her when the need presents itself. I just couldn't have her come apart when I was so close to getting the answer to my problems. I wish she had waited another five minutes. Now I suppose she'll never trust me again, she'll never be comfortable the way she was. I can always go back for her, but she'll never look at me and be able to forgive me again.

Although I'm not sure that's completely necessary. She came far enough along in our time together that she'll never be at peace with herself as the girl she used to be. She'll find she's someone else entirely now, and that new person is much more like me than she'll want to admit initially.

But I can give her time.

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Do we want to see what might happen the day he goes back for her? I'm not sure I have a grasp of whether it would turn into a plot-y story or just remain as emotional conversation, but R&R and then we'll see what I can come up with!

Check out my profile for a link to my website.

GG


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